What are the upfronts for, if not for cocktail receptions, long lines, and a chance to see stand-up comedians roast the industry you’ve dedicated your life to?
At this year’s upfronts presentations, the comedians tapped to impress advertisers didn’t hold back. Seth MacFarlane kicked off the week with a musical number at NBCUniversal, Jamie Foxx cracked jokes hosting Fox’s upfront, and late-night show hosts like Seth Meyers and Jimmy Kimmel delivered onstage stand-up sets.
We rounded up some of our favorite punchlines from the week below.
On AI:
Kimmel: I also know that many of you are worried that AI is going to take your jobs, but I don’t think it will. I don’t believe a computer, even the most powerful computer in the world, will ever be able to do what you do. And you know why? Because no computer wants to do what you do. Your jobs suck. Every year our audience gets smaller, and we tell you it’s bigger, and we want more for less, and it’s exhausting, I know. We are annoying and unreasonable, and you have shitty jobs because of it.
On the industry’s inclination to have a cocktail:
Foxx: I ain’t seen people this ready to get drunk since last year’s upfront. I see some of my drinking buddies out there.
On Paramount opting not to host an in-person upfront:
MacFarlane: You can gamble on Paramount+, folks, though it seems they no longer even try. But you can go to their upfront show—you can find it in the basement of the Y.
On executives at rival companies:
MacFarlane: [Netflix’s] got 10,000 shows on the platform, but it ain’t where you want to write your checks ’cause you will find, yeah, that Love is Blind—but alas, folks, so are their execs.
Kimmel: [NBCU Chairman of Global Advertising and Partnerships] Mark Marshall claimed yesterday [that] his network has amassed the greatest collection of content that has ever been assembled by one media company. I guess Mark has never heard of Pornhub. Although based on the expression on his face, I feel like he has.
MacFarlane: All [HBO] series have stories of incest—what the hell are we supposed to take away? And holy cheese, will somebody please check on [Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David] Zaslav’s brother right away.
On CBS’s viewership:
Kimmel: CBS was the most-watched network again for the 17th year in a row, led by their hit comedy, Ghosts, which is also what most of their viewers will be soon.
On next-level brand integrations:
Meyers: I host the 12:30 slot; I’m open to anything. If I could sell the naming rights to my kids, I would. Verizon would be a great name for my 7-year-old, considering how often I scream at him. “Can you hear me now?” My daughter’s name? Maybe it’s Adelaide, maybe it’s Maybelline, maybe it’s Ford F-150. I’m not picky.
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Kimmel: I’m pleased to present an opportunity like nothing that has ever been presented at any upfront before. I am offering naming rights to my grandchild…Over the next few days, our family is expected to see 12% quarterly growth, and we’d like to build on that by offering our Disney partners the first and only cervical-integration opportunity.
On ESPN’s new streaming service, ESPN:
Kimmel: They had a conclave, and a little puff of white smoke came out of [ESPN Chairman] Jimmy Pitaro’s ass, and the new service bringing live content to millions of fans around the world will go by the name ESPN. And that’s why they call us Imagineers. Now you may be asking, “What does this mean for ESPN+, which is on my phone? Will you get rid of that?” No, ESPN+ is here to stay. All right, so will I get more content on ESPN+ than I do on ESPN? No. You will get less content on ESPN+. The plus is now, in many ways, a minus…It’s all part of our plan to confuse you until you hand us the debit card of everyone in your family.
On Versant, the new name of Comcast’s cable channel spin-off company:
Meyers: [Comcast] finally picked the name for SpinCo, and it’s Versant. That’s right, Versant. So remember, ask your doctor if Versant is right for you.
Kimmel: Versant is a perfect name. It already sounds like something you subscribe to by accident.
On Max, or HBO Max:
MacFarlane: Who’s in charge of the business at Max now? Well, whoever it is, they got to go. It’s awful sad, but it all went bad when they changed their stupid name from HBO.
+1: Looks like the execs at Warner Bros. Discovery got the last laugh. When Casey Bloys, the chairman and CEO of HBO and Max content, announced that Max would indeed be going back to its previous iteration, HBO Max, there was uproarious laughter.
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